It’s been long since I’ve written… something. Recently, I heard a bible message that was beautifully crazy. As I heard the words, thoughts started rushing to my head on how to change and be better, how to call Le Boo to download some hard truths down his throat on how he should follow Christ more. It was hard for me because I could see a list of things I haven’t been good at. It was even harder because I have been here before. I have crossed the road where I haven’t been doing the things I should have done like praying more and more and studying my bible harder and harder, just to meet up. The hard part too is that I want to know God more, but for why? Is it for the feeling of being close to God or for the true bread that gives eternal life? Anyways, let me go to the main story.
There’s this meter I have somewhere at the back of the place
where I keep my personal stuffs. I’m gonna tell you where it is exactly later
on. It records how righteous I am- how long I pray, read my bible, stay in
church and say spiritual things to uplift people. It also records how much I
forgive people, how many times they offend me without me being upset, how much
I give and receive in return, how much I love others, spend time with my
friends and all. Its grading is based on so many things including feelings
ranging from good to bad. It is also based on blessings given and health.
Of recent, righteous-o-meter has been reading low/sad/poor
health/no money. I know it’s not broken because it’s in a safe place somewhere,
I’m sure of it. I haven’t been praying as much as I want to because of many
factors- school, fellowship, feeling so tired and ‘being led’ not to go out to
pray. In actual sense it seems like I have gotten familiar with the place I am
yet I want something more. God has been teaching me lessons I haven’t learnt
before and I am growing.
Do I really need a righteous-o-meter? How many times is it
recorded in the bible that you need to make up to a certain amount of power
before you can be termed righteous? Should it be tied to the great feeling
accompanied with spending time in a quiet place while it is discarded when it
is in a noisy place where only you can decipher your words and you are not ‘too
spiritual’
Spiritual mode activated:
I use this term to describe the look
on my face when something inspiring is going on especially in the right
gathering. There is minimal smiling, accurate wrinkling of the face, correct
pouting of the lips and sincere-looking body posture. Sitting down indicates
you’re either tired or not concentrating. It’s what Jesus would have done, eh?
FROM ME TO ME
My dear, your
righteousness is not attached to the situation of things around you which
include the way you see yourself. If God sees you in a particular way, it’s
certainly not because you have prayed for two hours. What if it was just for
the feel of it? Could you not have been righteously watching a match or
cooking?
But ma, what do you say of Jesus, Mary and Martha? Or of
Jesus, Peter, James and John on the mount of configuration? What about him when
he’d go pray on the mountain in the early hours of the morning? Have you
forgotten the prayer at the garden of Gethsemane just before his arrest? Are
these all not places and times he required our attention in a quiet and lonely
place, with time value inserted? Is he interested in me walking in and out at
any time I please? What I feel right now is that the place of prayer is a
burdensome place for me to walk to physically and is therefore making me feel
spiritually incapable of calling myself ‘righteous’. I want to be there but
other seemingly important things seek my attention and God’s place seems to be
the easiest to chuck out because I don’t know what I’m even doing there. I go
there and all I can think about is I. I want to shout at Him for not coming to
my rescue on certain occasions rather than pray for a group of people I’m in
charge of. I want to go and not come back the same way I left, feelings
excluded.
My dear, walking with
God at times seems like a dark tunnel in the middle of nowhere. In those times
you have to do one thing- trust. You cannot depend on your eyes or ears because
they may not pick up any sound. But your heart, not your affection must stay on
what is written. Now, what is written about you in these times? Have you asked?
Do you want to know or do you want to keep calling? Because like you said, very
soon a WORD will come up probably form a preacher’s mouth or something that
will open your eyes to see Your Savior standing before you all along. What will
then run through your mind? Is it the feeling of I prayed wella or I stayed
without being double minded, there are and will continue to be those high times
and dry times. There will continue to be the valleys and the hills, the pools
and the desert. Do one thing: stay there. Don’t get all defensive and start to
murmur. Thank God when you wake up late and cannot pray again, when you are too
tired to step out of your room. Thank him when you eventually do wake up early
and step out and enjoy the moment, no matter how alone you feel. God never ever
leaves his own. It’s not like he’s taking a nap or something, busy with someone
else’s life or tired of your soft voice. He’s right here, where you left him,
saw him last, before your very eyes, enthralled by the evolution of your heart
as you search for him.
And while you adjust
your heart to the true One, remember to do away with the righteous-o-meter. I’m
sure it’s somewhere in your head, right? (sure). If he wanted you to keep
record, you wouldn’t even get it straight.
I love you dearly.
The King In YOU
